I have to wonder why my mother is like this. I do have theories of course, but the real reason is still a mystery to me. The woman can barely take care of herself, much less her three year old. Yes my little sister still looks up to her as if she were as pure as gold. My fifteen year old sister seems to take care of everything. Yes, my mother works, but who does everything else? The fifteen year old. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I had never decided to move in with my father. If my fifteen year old sister would have the responsibilities of a three year old, housework, dinner, and the nasty divorce and custody battles she is being drug into weighing down upon her shoulders. I do wish I could take the weight off a little bit. It is affecting her life more than it should have to. From the time she gets home from school until the next day she leaves she is going nonstop.
The poor thing is breaking under pressure. My stepdad has thrown numerous fake attacks her way, when in reality she has little to do with the custody battle. I do blame my mother for this one. I am only seventeen and I know it is not a teenagers responsibilty to be her mothers ear for everything. She is learning and hearing things she should learn on her own and not even hear. my mother is treating her more like one of her fourty year old friends and less like her fifteen year old daughter. I would love for my mom to lay of the drugs and booze and realize, hey I have to kids, maybe I should take care of them. Instead she wraps herself in hazardous materials that are going to cost her her kids and possibly one day her life.
I wish my mom would stop blaming us for these problems, or everyone else for her problems. I wish she would look inside and realize that the problems are her. She is the one chasing rabbits and doing drugs and negleting her kids, my stepdad didn't make her do that. She is the one who shunned her family and friends and picked up that needle and bottle, my stepdad did not put them in her hand or tell her she could not see those people. She is the one who lifted a hand to us, my stepdad did not raise it for her. Yet she blaims it all on him, says that his neglect and his lack of love is what pushed her to do it... Did he make her call me a whore and ignore me when I told her what he was doing to me, NO he did not, he was not even in the house, YET she still blaims him.
And this kind of blame and this kind of thing is what my sister deals with on a daily basis, hell she just found out about my moms prostitution and stripping, and recently walked in on a junked out mother and a three year old left at home. How fair is it that a fifteen year old has to take all this in yet still attempt to be normal. My only fear is that her living with this woman will teach her to be this way, instead of scaring her into not being that way. I guess we will find out. The only thing I can do is keep going to court and giving my support and love to her. And hope she turns into the woman she is completely capable of becoming.
I know everyone has felt it, and more than once. That feeling they talk about in movies, the one where you are standing in a room full of people, all of them saying your name, carrying on conversations with you, but at the end of the day you don't remember one thing about it, and you feel even lonlier than ever. That feeling is not just in movies. I go to work, school, with "friends", but I still cannot remember the conversations I had, anything. I figure its because I do not really like those people, or something inside is not right. Who knows. But, every night at the end of the night I cry. No reason or explanation, I just do. Even when I talk to the guy I am crazy about, I don't remember. I don't feel depressed or angry, I just feel scared and alone. Like if I remember these conversations, if I enjoy time with these people that somehow they will up and leave me like they have in the past. So subconciously I do it. Because, I want to take the risk of getting close to someone again, I really do. So why can't I? I don't want to blame them, but parts of me do blame my step father and mother. Blames them for my problems and my inability to get close to people I care about. The things they did, the things they said, how could a girl move on? So, up until about a year ago I decided to stop letting people in, and it worked for a while, but then when I decided there was someone worth caring for, worth being strong for, I couldn't do it. I still push them away, I still piss them of merely over the fact that "there is no reaching me", that I always seem like I am somewhere else in my head. My boyfriend tells me that all the time. And then I leave and forget, I forget and feel like I never even saw him and I feel lonely again. All the time he is recalling memories that I can't recall, yes I was there, but somewhere else, one of those times he described, and i just pretend to know what he is talking about. I feel like I need help to stop pushing people away, to stop going to this place I go when I'm with people, so I do not lose the few people I have left. But, I do not even know where to begin. So, I guess I will try talking to them, and when I talk to them I won't go where I always go. And this time, I will remember, and when I go home, I won't feel so alone.
